Need

It was going to be another one of those nights, she thought, as they got into his car, a low strung monster of a sports car, entirely inappropriate for Indian roads, yet it was one of those stupid dreams, as he called them, that it made sense to make real, now that all the others were out of reach. And she didn’t mind, it wasn’t his fault, and there wasn’t any reason, really, anymore for him to not splurge on himself. She couldn’t expect anything from him, nor could he really do anything for her, anymore. It was sad, but there was no reason to pretend that things were any different, to what they were.

Still, even this car, to him was merely a consolation prize, an empty trophy, that reminded him every time he revved it of everything else he would never have anymore. He looked over at her as he got into the car, and smiled, the smile that looking at her always brought to his lips. The smile, that told him everything was still good, at least he still had her, and in so many ways that was more than he could have wanted.

She looked so gorgeous, in a red chiffon saree, tansluscent and seductive. Her blouse was cut so low, showing off her beautiful cleavage, and her entire midriff, she wore her sarees low, the way he liked, the way he had fallen for her, again and again. And tonight was no different, he was in love with her, as he leaned over, and gave her an open mouth kiss, in their drive way, and the passion they shared, passed through him again. And he felt warm and alive.

His kisses always came as a surprise to her, she could see it in his eyes, the desire, but each time he leaned into kiss her, she somehow couldn’t believe how perfect things were. It was like a dream to her, when she felt his soft, moist lips on her mouth, and his gentle tongue probing her mouth, it was more than she could have asked for, ever, and especially now.

They drove off, to a party, he’d been invited to, some friend of a friend was throwing a house warming, and they’d decided to go. It had been a long time since he’d met people, and felt alive. She’d always enjoyed parties, and it was she who insisted he go, despite what she knew it would lead to.

A slight drizzle was falling when they got to the new housing community the party was in, and when he handed her out of the car, her saree caught enough of the rain, to become even more sheer. In the lift he couldn’t take his eyes off her, and the thought of the so many amazing nights they’d shared, for so many years, and he wanted that back.

She as always was a conscious of his gaze, filled with desire and even lust, one that was unabated even now, and she took pride in that. He had taught her that pride, and helped her overcome her shyness about herself, it was he who deserved her body, because he had been the one who had taught her to treasure it, and she had come to. She treasured it as a gift from him, though it was entirely her own, to bestow on whomsoever she chose, and she had always always chosen him, but she knew she could have chosen others, and still he would have loved her as much.

She smiled softly, her lips barely moving, as she thought back to all those times when she’d teased him with her body, and watched him, and teased others, and sat back with him and enjoyed her bitchiness together, the small revenges she’d taken, and the heart breaks she’d caused, it had even been cruel jest at times, but it had made their bond so much stronger, as only they could even know.

But then the elevator doors opened, and her reverie ended, with a last look at her, he left her side, and entered the throng of people who always seemed to waiting for him.

Their host, a young man, still new in his company, Arun, came upto him, “Sir, thank you so much for coming, I really didn’t expect you’d make it.” “Well,” He began sternly, “if you didn’t expect me to come, why invite me?” the young man balked, but He continued jovially, “Just playing with you young man, of course I’d come, I need to know where you live don’t I? Or where would I send my hounds, when you don’t show up for work on Monday?” But he was smiling, though Arun still wasn’t sure if he was on firm ground, and decided instead to shift gears, “would you like something to drink sir?” “Not quite yet, I think I’d rather meet a couple of friends before I hit the bar, but don’t let me stop you, go and have fun with your friends, as they trash your brand new house!” Once more he was smiling, but Arun really didn’t know what to make of it, so he left.

Left to himself, He walked over to a couple of more senior colleagues from the company and joined in their conversation, which seemed a rather serious discussion about something, which he joined seamlessly. On the other side of the room, she was standing alone in a corner, not expecting anyone to notice her. She didn’t want to eat just yet, and she didn’t drink anymore, so there really was nothing for her to do. She didn’t know any of the people here, or perhaps she would have tagged along in some gaggle of wives and girlfriends, instead she just stood in a corner watching Him, and watching the rest of them at the party, wondering who it would be this time.

There was always was someone.

The night wore on, people were getting more mellow and more drunk, but still He remained in the group of his friends, he’d chosen at the start, they must be discussing something important she thought, “I wish he’d leave his work behind sometimes at least.” Normally, she’d have walked over to him and said something, or dragged his unwilling self to the dance floor, or brought him a drink, and excused him. But tonight, it wasn’t for her to do. She just waited, and watched him, and watched the other stuff going on. One woman, another young staff member, obviously had had too much to drink, she was screaming at the improvised dj to play something she could dance to, and had taken her denim jacket off, and was twirling it over her head, while she gyrated her hips, “I wanna dance man!” she kept screaming at him.

Finally, the music changed, a dhik chak bollywood track replaced the smoother Dire Straits number that had been playing, it was a sudden change, and the whole party looked over.  The girl seemed to thrive on the attention, as she strutted to an open space near the centre of the room, and reached her hand into her hair, and arched her back, and neck, looking over her shoulders at some random point behind her, convinced of how sexy she looked. Then she started to move her hips and swing her butt to the beat. She ran her hands down her neck, over her breasts, and lifted her shirt even further over her stomach. “What a show,” She thought, “why? Oh well some people need it,” She was grateful, She hadn’t been one of those girls, thanks to Him, she’d always felt like she was the hottest person in the room. She wondered if he was watching this young thing too, like all the other men in the room seemed to be. She knew how easy it would be for him to have her, but she knew he had better choice.

He did, he was entirely unmoved by the girls display, instead he whispered to one of the junior execs also there from the company to get her off the floor, and into a bathroom, or anywhere she wouldn’t make a mockery of herself. He turned back to his friends, but found his chain of thought completely broken, and so instead decided to head for a refill, unsure if this would be his second or this scotch, but still confident, it was anywhere near a number he would have difficultly with.

On his way to the bar, he looked over, eager to spot her, their eyes met, and she smiled, a small, dejected smile, knowing that with his business wrapped up, he would not look for other things, or people to do, and this was the part of the night, she most hated. She didn’t mind being left alone, and ignored, but it was more than she could be asked to endure watching him seduce another woman, as she knew he would, and to watch them walk away, into some quiet corner of the house, or room, and in all probability fuck... but she would have to, she had so many times, and now, she had almost got used to it, the routine, but it still made her insides crawl. Yet there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

He broke eye contact with her, aware of what she was thinking, and he shrugged, trying to get rid of the guilt that he felt. It wasn’t His fault, He was built like that, women found him irresistible, and he found them. A stab of pity ran through him, for her, and what she had to endure. But it was better this way, for both of them, they had tried everything else, and they both knew this was the only way for them, or at least he told himself this, knowing full well, that there was another way, a much harder way.

At the bar, as he poured himself a full measure of scotch, a woman walked up, dressed in a sheer pink saree, stilettos and a spaghetti blouse, she seemed more his type.

She watched her walk upto him, and watched the change in his posture, as he noticed her, and watched them exchange greetings, and watched them step a little closer. She wondered what He said to them, all these women he bedded, didn’t they see how fake it was, or did they know, and accept that, in exchange for what would be a good fuck? Were there really women like that, interested only in the sex? Or perhaps they were, like She had been, predators, just looking for another notch on their head boards, well, then, He was a hunter too, and what would happen when the two would meet?

She looked over at them, things had changed, He was much closer to her now, His scent must have been in her nostrils, and she could probably feel his heat. Then She watched Him reach over and take her hand, and gently stroke her fingers, She cringed inwardly, that was something He’d done to her, and She wondered if he was saying the same things to this whore. Did He? Were those just lines, He’d used on Her? That He used on every other woman he slept with?

She knew they weren’t because He’d whispered so many of those things to Her, in Her ears ,when He thought She was asleep, but still, she couldn’t shake the thought from her mind this easily, she tried to let it slide, and deliberately, looked away, trying to see what had become of the woman on the dance floor, but she seemed to have disappeared. When against her will, She was drawn back, to where He had been standing, he too was gone.

So, it was her then, an involuntary sigh came to her. She understood his needs, and how much it affected His mind to be denied, but the pain didn’t make anything easier. The night was over, then, and she drifted silently out of the room, unseen, and unnoticed, the only eyes she craved were locked somewhere else, on some one else’s body, and there was nothing for Her to do.

She was waiting by the car, as He knew She would be. There was nothing to be said about it. They both knew what had happened and why. And it was too painful for either of them to talk about it. At best, they could drive home in silence, and go to sleep, and pretend tonight had never happened, just like they pretended that Nothing had ever happened, and it was a game they had become exceedingly good at. But right now, they both knew, and they could deny it, so they chose to look out the window, instead of at each other.

She knew, if she looked at him, involuntarily, she’d spot the signs of the other woman, he’d been with. And she knew it would break her heart, even though, she knew it meant nothing to him, or really even to her. But, well, somethings were best left unproven, even if they were known. So she watched the headlights play on the leaves of the palm fronds that lined the drive way, as he turned out, onto the road. It was raining again, and the rain on the windscreen, created a haze, out of which the whole world looked as warped as her’s and his.

He couldn’t look over at her, aware, in totality of the havoc he had caused. Could he really not stop himself? 

Why did he have to do this? He’d tried, unsuccessfully to curb his desire, but the cost had been too great, his work had suffered, he’d become a wraith, irritable, and snappy, and they had decided together that it was okay for him to do what he’d done. But, it still broke her heart, and it was too much for him to deal with, to have to own up for it as well, so he looked away. And watched the world he lived in warp into weird fantastic shapes in his windscreen, while the wipers, ineffectively tried to restore it to normality and failed.

When they reached their house, they still maintained their silence, and even kept the lights off, preparing for bed in the spill from the bathroom where he’d brushed his teeth. Still not looking at her sitting figure at the foot of the bed, he got into bed, and went to sleep. Or pretended to be asleep. It had been hard work, that woman, and exhaustion moderated his guilt allowing him the comfort of sleep.

She sat there, though, at the edge of their bed, unable to join him in it. Feeling discarded, and abused, and deserted, when he didn’t look at her. A chill ran down her body, when she realised, that despite his guilt, he was actually satisfied, a great need of his met. And in that moment, she also realised that it wasn’t him alone to blame. Her deluded mind blamed her, for forcing him to seek satiation in other women, for not being able to satisfy him... and in the silence she screamed, a blood curdling shriek, that would have woken the dead, but the living, right there, next to her, in the warmth of her own bed, in a body, she had literally shared, couldn’t hear her. As she broke down in the silence of her own guilt, she thought of him.

He wouldn’t have let her blame herself for it. It was neither of their faults, really, after all, how could she be expected to quench his desires, when death had denied her, her own, and the very body, that had been his succor in life.