The story of Warping part i

The story of Warping, well as you well would imagine, warping wasn’t always as well understood as it is today, the evolution of the sport, is complicated, and is tied intimately with the ultimate reward, which I’ve still not thought of by the way, (that is however immaterial as you’ll see.)

Warping began rather innocently, one late evening, when two, or maybe three, the records are not very well kept from the early periods, people met. Some people say these were the three legendary pokemon, prof, proof, and postM. But in truth, they became legends because of this meeting, rather than making this is meeting legen(yes wait for it…)dary by being in it. The meeting itself was rather a product of chance, and the tree of enlightenment, before it was called that, though, all it had was a number, which is itself now obscure.

Now these three met under the eves of what came to be known as the tree of enlightenment, and they were lucky to have warm tea to drink, brewed specially for them at the request of prof by Rohtas, an equally enigmatic creature, known best for its records which stretch back into the ancient period, and are impeccable none the less. In fact his archives are treated with greater respect than most official records, which wasn’t surprising, given that official records didn’t exist.

Anyhow, these three, were drinking tea made by Rohtas, and talking about a lot of stuff. Proof was by far the most junior of the three, and naturally was trying to prove itself, against the sterner mettle of prof and postM, both of which were very well versed in what has come to be warping. Prof had infact taken the lead in the casual sparring encounter, and was unleashing attack after attack at PostM though it refrained from unleashing its most powerful attack, ‘readings’ knowing well that PostM had possibly the strongest defense in the world, and looking instead to wear down his opponent. PostM on the other hand was using agility to dodge most attacks, and building his own energy reserves. PostM as is well known uses his opponents energy to attack, his most powerful being judo(look up the basic tenet of judo, to understand this one.) Loophole, is probably the most feared of his attacks though, as it has a whiplash effect on its opponents.

Prof was well aware of this, and deliberately staying away from using fact, an attack which was particularly susceptible to being loopholed back. Prof, stuck to generalizations, and gross statements, without venturing anything stronger, and PostM stuck to simpler defenses like qualify, and kept pointing out exceptions to what prof was saying, which prof shielded well, and comfortably. Saying that things like, yes, but you must agree with the broader statistical argument, which is a counter, and PostM would just sidestep, using agility, “oh yes, but what’s the point of an argument that isn’t definite?” and Prof would use pre-empt, which is a good psy chaos attack, saying, “oh, a postM asking for a definite statement? Really? That sounds almost contrary to a PostM itself.” He stressed the almost, employing his own qualifying defense while still using pre-empt to good affect.

Of course both PostM and Prof were merely enjoying themselves, but to Proof, this was the defining moment of his life, sort of like a 16 year old watching back street. (they’re only two ways you can go after that, either you want to kill them, or you need to be killed.) anyway, he was watching this awesome display by two of the best in what become warping. He never realized his tea had become cold, and he never cared when a dog came and picked up all of his food. That wasn’t so uncommon back in those days, when everything, even the girls were cheap! But food most of all.

Suddenly he was seized by this desire to prove his existence, and he mustered all his strengthened, and began to channel it into the best attack he had, called thunder bolt, which is just a very enthusiastic statement of something, very obvious, it often sounds like, this, “like OMG, he is so HOOOOT!” which is a commonly used thunderbolt used by the queen, you’re familiar with. However, proof pokemon usually have a different approach to their thunderbolt, and it is very telegraphed. They take of their spectacles, and enter trance for a few seconds, before they speak, and you can tell, whatever they have to say, has import, or should.

Then they’ll say, something, something, like, “I agree with you sir, but I’m not sure what you mean by @#$% and hmm… I actually read @#E!Q@# saying that in fact, was something, and something, did something, in and blah blah!” Which makes little or no sense to anyone, and only rarely makes sense at all, but is usually a hash up of everything he’s heard during his charge up period. Of course since both Prof and PostM are evolved formed of Proof, they tore him to shreds, PostM used ‘creative reception’ (which is an actual thing,) one of his more basic loopholes and Prof used fact, something he could with elan against this youngling, and finally, he unleashed reading, which sent Proof scurrying off to the library.

PostM and Prof, both looked at each other, noticed that the tea had finished, returned the glasses and changed the conversation to topics they both agreed were more relevant, including the hot new women in residence, and the proposed new warden. And they nodded sagely when PostM pointed out that she was unmarried, and of semi-scholarly descent, being an Mfill(pronounced Mefill), and he didn’t contradict Prof, when he used fact to state that she was hot, despite the immense subjectivity involved in such a statement, of course, had Prof, used fact to state that India was a country/nation, he’d have been cut down mercilessly by PostM.

This is important, as it to become a rule of warping: one only used one’s attacks, in the warping arena, sort of like the promist martial artists take to never use their skills outside the ring, which actually sounds kind of ridiculous, given that most people take up martial arts because they want to get back at bullies from their schools, but then people habitually do stupider things, so I shan’t dwell much on that.

However, the rule, I was referring too, is important, and it states simply, you will warp, only when warping, and during an encounter with a man openly warping… and not during intelligent conversation. The fact that the rule was stated above, as clearly as it is, made things very interesting, because devastating attacks were launched, pre-emptively, like the nuclear strikes we’ll see in the near future, and then, unlike the nuclear strikes in the near future, they were apologized for. ‘oh I thought you were warping, sorry.’ You can’t apologise for a nuclear attack, because there’s no one to apologize to, and chances, are, by the time you decide you want to, you’re staring at a nuclear missile detonating near you too… (of course you can’t actually see a nuclear missile detonate, anymore than you can see yourself eat, which sounds very intelligent, but means nothing at all.) Which only goes to show, that even after so many years the world is still pretty much ruled by an eye for an eye… (nuke for a nuke)

Anyhow, the second rule of warping was also formulated during the discussion concerning the warden, the rules of engagement, didn’t apply when discussing women. Of course feminism was well within the purview of warping, but if you’ve looked at a feminist recently, you’ll know they’re not about to be talked about in the tone that Prof and PostM were discussing the new warden. Thus the seeming contradiction in the rules of warping was resolved by application of what Phyzz, another pokemon called the improbability factor, stating much to both PostM and Prof’s relief that if something was extremely improbable, like a cat turning into milk, though possible, it may as well be considered impossible. Which also applies to attractive feminists.

The third rule, has a slightly more complicated history, and was actually produced by proof, once more to prove its existence. The proof is actually named after its attempts to always prove it’s existene. The third rule stands in perpetual testimony to its efforts in this regard. Of course, I’ve not yet thought of it, but I’m pretty sure, when I do, it’ll be worth the wait. Or actually, how do I know, you tell me, if you want to know more about warping, leave me a comment, and I’ll waste another evening thinking of the inanity I was part of in college, if not, I’ll let you get back you whatever you call life.

Also if you’re wondering how I know so much about this legen(yes yes)dary warping encounter, well, you’ll remember rohtas, the mysterious tea maker, and if you remember his terrific records, it shouldn’t be so much of a surprise.